On Good Housekeeping: It’s All Right to Fight


By Estelle Erasmus

Some people have asked me what I think the key to a good relationship is. My answer is always: communication. My husband and I both have strong personalities, and when two strong personalities get together there is bound to be conflict.

I write in Good Housekeeping this week about why it’s all right to fight.

I joke to my friends that when my hubby and I fight it’s like the Clash of the Titans. I think it’s no secret that when two strong personalities get together they release a phalanx of emotions – resulting in conflict.

For my husband and I, bickering is like a sport. It’s even a form of stress relief. And we both excel at it (probably because we practice on a daily basis). We could be Olympic medalists, although we’d probably argue about who rightfully won the gold. I am a stay-at-home-writer and mom, and I love to do my jousting with words. He is a businessman, stoic, able to calmly find the holes in my passionate championing of an idea or action.

But, I’m an outlier: I don’t think fighting is bad for our marriage. Here’s why:

Fight To Stay Tight

I believe that fighting the right way can increase the amount of intimacy in a relationship, especially if both people are self-aware. A gifted therapist once told me that the couples who choose to get a divorce are not the ones who fight with each other, they are the ones who have become completely indifferent. She said those couples had lost any kind of spark, including the desire to throw down the gauntlet.

There are many reasons why people decide to get divorced, and not just the ones that have been mentioned above. Sometimes it could be something as heartbreaking as no longer being in love with the person you are married to, and you wish to find that type of love with someone else. With the help and support of Divorce and Family lawyers who are similar to Peters May, (Http://www.petersmay.com/), it can now be less stressful to go through with this process. You shouldn’t be ashamed to take this next step in life as it is unhealthy to stay in a relationship that is no longer successful. Do what is best for you, and if that means going through with a divorce, then so be it.

Read the rest on Good Housekeeping

Do you fight in your relationship? Tell me if it works for you to create greater intimacy

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7 thoughts on “On Good Housekeeping: It’s All Right to Fight”

  1. Great post! Totally agree…fighting isn’t a bad thing and can be very productive. How can anyone resolve differences if they’re not discussed or ‘fought’ about? 🙂

  2. I actually have a subscription to GH. It’s one of my guilty pleasures that teaches me a lot.

    I come from a family where arguing and talking over each other was the norm. Somehow I saw “Hannah and Her Sisters” with my father and am sure he confused the Thanksgiving scenes with our home movies.

    I don’t understand people (couples) who don’t argue. More importantly I don’t trust them. Always think much is simmering under the surface.

  3. My husband and I bicker all of the time for the fun of it. Hell, even as foreplay. We’ve been happily married for 24 years so something is going right!

  4. Interesting perspective on fighting/bickering. I think my husband and I would give you guys a run for your money. I don’t like all the disagreeing, but after 26 years, maybe it is part of our spiciness. Thanks for a new way to think about it.

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